As some of you know, my blog posting these days could be described as few and far between. With ministry responsbilities, single parenting and homeschooling back at "home", finding the time to put words to the page comes rarely. I know it's hard to believe, but time did seem easier to find when the Easter Chicks were on the road. This week words have been burning to pour out of my soul. I prayed fervently to God to make sure they were his "words", his "message" and not just mine. He clearly spoke this morning from Matthew 10:27 saying, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." So here I am.
My life these last few weeks has involved a great deal of mountain climbing. No, I don't mean on some awesome and glorious fourteener (14, 000+ mountain peaks throughout the Rockies). My mountains have been like most of yours, of the the personal nature. Times of struggling, times of deep thought, questioning and prayer. My latest mountain required me going back in time to some of the most difficult moments of my journey thus far. A few weeks ago I was asked to represent the Victim Witness Program by giving one of only five interviews to Nashville's lead newspaper, the Tennessean, for Victim's Rights Week which takes place at the end of this month. Don't get me wrong, I was honored that Teresa Shearon, director of the program and my own personal Victim/Witness Coordinator, asked me to be a part of the recognition of this program now celebrating 25 years of assisting victims of violent crimes in Nashville. After Scott's death, God truly used this program and specifically Teresa to protect and minister to me in times when I was too raw and vulnerable to care for myself. Teresa was a soldier who walked before me ready to wield her weapons to guard me when I had no strength to fight myself. Over our time together, she watched me grow from being a wounded victim to a survivor.
Going back to July 21, 2002 is never without great emotion. Details that will always rest in some small chasm of my mind are inevitably reawakened. The interview process lasted over four hours. As if pictures and words are not enough to see, newspapers now video and do voice recordings for their web page. I'm sure my southern and sometimes sarcastic slang was in full glory. My jaws actually hurt from talking so much. I know that is hard for some of you to believe, but they did. I have no idea what answer I gave to many of the last questions. I'm afraid by the end of the interview my mind was mush.
One of the reporter's last questions I will never forget. She asked "What has been your greatest victory?" Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about all the victories of my last seven years. My first thought was my own personal change and growth. I sat there realizing how honored I am to call Jesus Christ not only my Savior but my best friend. He allowed the fire of my life to be heated because he cared that I be a different person, a more humble servant than I was before. Because of the pain of great sorrow, I can truly shout from the rooftop that he never leaves us or forsakes us. I can proclaim beyond a shadow of doubt that he uses all circumstances for our good and for his glory. My faith has certainly been deepened. I thought about my girls and how much better a model of motherhood I have been for them than I may have been before. Then I thought about the faces of so many people that have been brought into my life since that fateful day. Your faces came to my mind. Faces I have been given the opportunity to know, to speak to, to pray with and to serve, faces I would have forfeited without this experience. The faces of every friendship made, every friendship deepened. The faces of every widow I have been honored to sit across the table from and offer a glimmer of hope. I thought about Chosen, a ministry birthed from great loss that has yielded great gain for the kingdom. I thought about every student and every lady in prison that I have been allowed to share my testimony with. Before Scott's death, I was a child of the King but caught in much bondage to self-centered living. But like the Israelites leaving Egypt, I have been given opportunity to taste sweet victory over the enemy and carry away much plunder. Losing Scott changed my course of life. Living for God instead of me became my greatest mission.
I would have never been able to take hold of such sweet victory had it not been for so many of you. So on this very special morning and from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! Thank you for every act of love bestowed on the girls and me, every word of encouragement written or spoken, and every prayer offered to the Father on our behalf. Thank you to every person who has helped me to raise my babies into the Godly young women they are today. Thank you to every person who has given me the opportunity to share my story, God's story. Thank you to every widow who found me faithful to hear your story and offer you hope. Thank you to every person who prayed, and I beg you to never cease praying for us. Some of you I speak rarely to these days, and some I will never speak face to face with until the heavenlies. Some of you are new friends, and some have journeyed every moment of life with me. For all of you, I share the following lessons learned during some of the most difficult but glorious days of my journey. I pray they encourage your hearts.
I encourage you to live in a state of PRAISE and THANKSGIVING. Some of us act as if we have nothing to be thankful for. I used to. I remind you especially on this day, praise Jesus for dying a horrible death so he could redeem your life. The Word says that "for the joy that was set before Him, Jesus took the cross." That joy was YOU, that joy was me. He took that cross and suffered its cruelty and shame so we would not have to suffer the cruelty and shame of our sins. Too many of us live as if we are entitled to a better life than the one we have been given. Rumblings for a better home, a better car, a better job, a better bank account, a better spouse, better behaved children pour out our mouths. In this life, the only thing we were entitled to was HELL. But because of the free gift of forgivenss offered to all of us, hell doesn't have to be our destiny. I encourage you to stop being whiny brats, instead be the thankful children of the King that you are. Live in praise of your Father and in thanksgiving for all he has given. He is so very worthy!
I encourage you to live in TRUST. No matter what circumstances you are living in this very moment, know that God is still seated on the throne of authority. He will never abdicate his throne to another. He has no fear of his enemies. He is your Daddy, and he loves you more than any being ever will be able to. The only reason he allows the circumstances to come your way is because he found you faithful, TO FIND HIM FAITHFUL. So find him faithful to be the God his Word promises him to be. Leave any captivity the enemy has tied you to and walk away with your plunder. Your reward awaits. Much captivity in our world today rest in the root of some form of self. Self glory is in constant battle with God's glory. Self-protection, self-reliance, self-defense, self-gratification, self-concept- self, self, self. We are vessels created not to be glorified and honored, but instead to bring glory and honor to God by the way we live out our daily moments. Believe this former captive lied to by the enemy for many years. Your truest and greatest honor will only come in your total reliance and complete obedience to the Father.
Live with PURPOSE. Seek God's purposes for your life and not your own. He will lay out the popcorn trail, letting you only see the next step but never the whole picture. And why? Because being your Daddy, he knows If he showed you the whole grand picture all the way into eternity, you would run the other way. Remember, you do belong to a stiff-necked people always thinking you know better than he. Most importantly, if any of you have a friend, family member, neighbor or any loved one that has not understood what it means to be forgiven by Jesus, speak truth to them today. If they will not hear you, continue praying fervently to the Lord for them to be saved. This world we exist in at this moment is fleeting. It is only temporary. What is to come is eternal, FOREVER. Make sure all you care for are going with you.
Lastly, live in EXPECTANCY. After Scott left this world, I would walk morning after morning through the house before the girls awakened wailing over his absence. I missed him so very much. Broken hearted, I crawled to the altar before my Father through deep prayer, begging for a ray of hope. One morning as I sat down at my desk, I ripped away pages of a desk calendar that I had not attended to for quite some time. The verse before me read Rev. 3:11, "Behold, I come soon. Hold fast to what is yours so that no one may take your crown." Tears ceased as I took a gasp of breath and looked around the room feeling the presence of God in ways mere words will never explain. I knew God was sitting in front of me, cradling my face, wiping away every tear, and speaking words of hope to his child. He was declaring to me that he was coming soon. Weeks later, on the girls and my first vacation without our sweet daddy and husband, I went outside the first morning to weep. Playing my ever constant role of the doubting Thomas, I was begging God that what he had told me was true. My oldest baby came out finding me in a literal heap of tears. She had no idea I was in deep prayer begging God to be true to his promise of coming to get his people soon. Wrapping me in her little loving arms, my back was to the sky when she hearled the most beautiful declaration of all time. She said, "Mommy look at that beautiful rainbow." I nearly threw the poor child to the ground turning around so I could watch God Almighty open up the sky and give me the sign of his promise. I silently snicker now that nearly every family member and friend, every Bible teacher, and every pastor in the pulpit and on tv and radio are proclaiming that we are living in the last of the last days. When I use to tell people what God shared with me that day, many would look at me as if I had taken the last step over the edge of insanity. I'm now trying to be humble enough not to say, "I told you so." I had no idea what soon meant to God, but he knew what it meant to me. His truth gave me hope. I without a doubt do not believe our time on this earth is long. Whatever business (and I don't mean earthly) we have left to do, we better be getting our affairs in order. The trumpet is getting ready to sound, the dead in Christ are getting ready to rise, and for me I'm leaving this tent and I'm going HOME! I'm going to recline at the banquet table and will probably fight the Sons of Thunder for the top spot. Scott will come over, take my hand, and gently remind me of one of the same lessons he "lived out" while here, "The first will be last and the last will be first."
I will finalize this blog with the same question as above. So what is my greatest victory? Knowing Jesus Christ as my Maker, my Husband, my Redeemer, my Friend. I pray each of you celebrate the gift and the hope he offers to each of us on this very special (and maybe last) Easter. For in just a little while, we may hear him say, "Arise my love!"
Blessings to all,
ME